She can't possibly be mine

After the baby was born, the panicked Indonesian father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) : Pregnancy

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs?

A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all

Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?

A: A misconception

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A: Have sex just once a year

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?

A: Childbirth

Q: Should I have a baby after 40?

A. No, 40 children is way too many already

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better

Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?

A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember

Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A: Yes, your bladder

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: Cause you're fatter then they are,

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman

Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?

A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder

Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped?

A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !

A Handsome man and a Woman

A well groomed and handsome man noticed a woman browsing a nearby isle in a supermarket.

He approached the extremely attractive and voluptuous woman who smiled at him politely.

He asked, "Would you mind if we chatted for a couple of minutes?"

“Why.” she asked.

Well, you know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.

“I don't understand.” She said.

Well, you see, every time I happen to talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

I just want you to hold me.

One Evening, a husband and wife were getting all snugly in bed.

The passion was heating up. But then the wife stopped and said:

"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The husband says, "WHAT??"

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.

She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank.

"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode.

The Husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

Dictionary Of Dating

Dating: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

Easy: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

Eye Contact: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

Friend: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

Irritating Habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

Sober: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

Law Of Relativity: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

An Old Man and A Cop

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk."

birthday celebration

A couple had been married for 25 years when they celebrated their 60th birthdays.

During the celebration a fairy appeared.

She told them that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and Boom!

She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn.

He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand and Boom!

He was 90.